Mad World
by perfectlyjaeded
Summary: A continuation of my two stories, Camp Rock and Her Life. I suggest you read those two before this one. Please review and tell me what you think. also, not necessarily a Camp Rock story anymore.  read and you'll understand. thank you!
1. Miscarriage

It was now March 2009. I felt like my life had fallen beneath my feet, and I was tightly holding on to the last bit. Things hadn't really changed much, besides me getting worse. My depression taking over me. The guys and I, as a band, are able to play a few shows during Warped Tour until I get the role for my next movie. My hair was already a little past my shoulders, even though I trim it myself every once and a while just so it can grow faster and healthier. Thomas and I became closer than ever, and every time I took a look at Charlotte, my kitten, I had to try my hardest not to burst into tears. Because I always saw her. Every single time.

Our album was selling really well. We made new fans and they really liked our music. Everyone already knew about Joe and I, but nobody really knew the full story. It was none of their business, but I decided to make a video, trying to explain as much as I could.

"Hey guys, it's been a while since I've made a video. Umm, I know a lot has been happening, and honestly, I have no idea what rumors have been said or what you guys think, but I thought I would explain some things. And even though it's none of your business, I feel like I should try to explain so things don't get over dramatized. And this is all me saying what I need to say. I didn't talk to anyone about making this video because I could honestly care less what other people think. So umm, yes, Joe and I did break up. No, I will not say why, and yes, I dumped him. I have nothing against him, I will always love him, but things were going on and…it was just time. You guys can hate me all you want, I really don't care, but I thought you deserved to know the truth. I think I read somewhere that I dumped him cause he wouldn't sleep with me. What? I mean, are you guys honestly so bored that you have to make up the dumbest shit just so you can feel good about yourself? I'm not gonna lie, it did make me laugh but any of you who believed that must be really fucking gullible. Anyway, I hope you guys are all good and happy. Please, buy my CD and check out our music videos for I'm So Sick, Fully Alive, and All Around me on youtube. I hope you guys like them. And…have a good day. Bye." I stopped the video and uploaded it on youtube.

My phone rang about ten minutes later. It was Matt.

_"Jael, I need you to come to the emergency room."_

"Why, what's going on?" I instantly started getting ready as I was talking to him.

"_Caity, she had a miscarriage."_

"What? Is she okay?"

"_I don't-I don't know. They're still taking tests."_ Once I put my shoes on, I ran out the door and into my car.

"I'm on my way."

Once I drove up to the parking lot, I realized it was the same hospital Charlotte stayed at. I walked up to the front doors and just stood there, my legs not letting me go in. I took in a deep breath and forced myself through the double doors. I saw Matt sitting in the waiting room and as soon as he saw me, he stood up and walked towards me. He pulled me into a tight hug.

"I wasn't gonna call you because I know that it would be hard for you to be here, but I didn't know what else to do." Matt told me as he let me go.

"It's okay, Matt. Where's the doctor?"

"Dr. Montgomery is in there with her right now. I don't know what's going on and I'm freaking out."

"What room is she in?" He told me and we both walked to it. I knocked on the door and Dr. Montgomery opened it.

"Hey Jael," She said to me.

"How is she?" I asked right away.

"She's good." The doctor closed the door so it was just the three of us talking. "Miscarriages happen and sadly sometimes there isn't anything we can do. Not a lot of harm was done but you both need to understand when a mother loses her child, it's something that you can't just let go. I've seen women fall into deep depressions because they lost their child. So please, watch out for her."

"Just in case," Matt said. "Would she be able to get pregnant again?"

"Yes. She just needs to be more careful, eat healthy as best as she can even though she'll get cravings. But if you guys are going to try again, make sure she's comfortable with it. I'm sure it can be hard, mentally, since she just lost a child."

"Can we go see her?" I asked.

"Yes. I'll be back later to check on her." Dr. Montgomery walked away and I turned to Matt.

"You wanna go talk to her before I go in?" I asked him.

"Uhm, no, you go. I need to think for a little bit." I nodded and walked in.

"Hey baby," I went up to her and gave her a hug.

"Where's Matt?"

"Sitting outside. He said he needed to think before he came in. Did the doctor tell you everything?"

"Yea."

"How are you?"

"I'm…I don't know. I feel like I lost a part of me."

"You were excited, huh?"

"Yes. I think I want to try again. I want a child, Jael." I smiled.

"Well, I think Matt does too. Don't worry. Everything will be okay." I sat beside her and stroked her hair as we talked. I stayed in there for about a half hour then went out and let Matt go in so they could talk.

I sat outside the room, waiting for Matt to come back out. I felt so bad for Caity. Over the last couple of months, we all noticed how attached she was to her child. She was meant to be a mother.

I went back in and talked with Matt and Caity to make sure they were both okay. Caity said she would be able to go back home tomorrow, so I told them both I would see them later and got back in my car. As I was driving, Kiwi called and asked if he could come over. I said yes and picked him up, then drove back to the house. I wasn't able to give him a good hug, especially since I hadn't seen him in a while, so once I parked, I pulled him into a tight hug. I noticed he had a bag in his hand.

"What's in the bag?" I asked as I unlocked the door and we both stepped in.

"A surprise."

"Uh-oh." He laughed.

"I wasn't able to give it to you for your birthday cause, well, I wanted it." I laughed. "So I bought another one for you."

"Dude, you know I don't like it when people buy me shit. I don't want you to spend your money on me!"

"It's okay! I wanted to. And plus, you'll want this. Trust me." I sighed and laughed. Jesse and Evan weren't here so it was just Kiwi and I sitting in the living room. "Okay, first, ahem ahem," he pulled out a box but it was wrapped in spongebob gift-wrap. "Yes, I chose spongebob. Don't judge me." I laughed. He carefully handed it to me and I started unwrapping. I gasped when I saw the front of the box.

"YOU GOT ME A 6 HOSE HOOKAH PIPE?" I yelled excitedly and he laughed.

"I had to! I know you smoke it and I happened to drive by this head shop in northern Cali. So here you go." I screamed immensely and jumped on him, squeezing him tighter than ever.

"Why? How can you curse me with such amazing shit?" He laughed. "Hookah, plus the supplies for it. How much did it cost you?"

"I'm not telling."

"Kiwi, you don't have a job. I will pay you back and if you don't tell me, I'll 'accidentally' put 1,000 dollars in your wallet."

"No you won't and I won't tell you! And FYI, I'm getting a job. I just haven't decided what I wanted to do, yet." I sighed. "I wasn't able to get the flavoured tobacco cause I didn't know what you would like, so you want to go now?"

"Sure, but I'M paying." He laughed as we both walked out the door.

I drove to the closest head shop. It was a small one only about five minutes away. We both stepped out and walked in. Surrounding us were tobacco pipes, bowls, bongs, hookahs, supplies for all those items, and in the back behind the cashier were lighters, cigarettes, and other tobacco stuff. Kiwi and I went straight to the hookah supply section and looked through the scented tobacco. He picked out two and so did I. As we were paying, I bought a torch lighter and a pack of cigarettes. On the way back to the house, I stopped at the bank and got 1,000 dollars to give to Kiwi. I didn't tell him it was for him cause I knew he would be pissed, so when we got to the house, I snuck it in his wallet.

Kiwi put everything together for the hookah, including filling it with ice water, and I took the torch lighter and lit a coal over the sink. Sparks began flying everywhere and I shrieked.

"Ha, dumbass." Kiwi said.

"Shut up!" We both laughed. He grabbed a small pan and held it over the coal as I lit it. When it started to light, I put it over the foil that was covering the tobacco and we waited for it to heat up. Once it was done, Kiwi and I began smoking.

"Can you blow smoke rings?" He asked me.

"Yea." I did a few in a row but then it started to mess up. "Can you?" He nodded and did it too.

"Watch the guys walk in and freak out that we have a hookah pipe." He said.

"Bet you 20 bucks."

"You're on." I knew he was right, but I felt bad for him paying for the hookah. Even though I already paid him back, I still wanted to do it. "So when are you, Caity, and I gonna hang out? Just the three of us?"

"I don't know. I've been so busy, especially with working on the album and stuff. And now we're playing a few shows at warped. But then I'm going straight to my next movie. Brad said he would call me within the next week to tell me if I got the part for the movies I auditioned for. But the second I'm free, I'll let you guys know. Plus, she's gonna try and get pregnant again."

"What do you mean 'again'?"

"No one told you?" He gave me a look to go on. "She had a miscarriage."

"What?" I nodded.

"I visited her before I picked you up. She's okay, don't worry. She'll be back tomorrow. And Matt and Caity told me separately that they both wanted to try again, so she'll end up being pregnant within the next month or so." He nodded.

"Is that where the guys are now?"

"I don't think so. But Matt told them before he left, so I'm sure they're filled in on everything by now." He nodded.

While we were talking and smoking, about a half hour later, Evan and Jesse walked in. Evan shrieked like a girl when he saw the hookah pipe. Kiwi and I laughed as he dropped his bags.

"Surprise, surprise. Kiwi got it for me."

"I see how it is!" Jesse said and we laughed again. They closed the door and sat beside Kiwi on the couch. They each grabbed their own pipe and began smoking with us. I got up and grabbed my lighter, cigarettes, and ashtray, then sat back down in the chair. Charlotte jumped on my lap as soon as I sat down, and after I lit a cigarette, I began stroking her back. "Jael, can I get a cigarette, please?" I nodded and handed him one and the lighter.

"So when you said you got me my present for my birthday, but then you didn't give it to me cause you wanted it, was it a hookah pipe as well?"

"No, I actually got a bong."

"Well damn!" Evan yelled and I laughed.

We all basically fooled around and talked as we were smoking. My phone began ringing, so I looked at the caller I.D, seeing that it was Brad and answered it.

"Hello?"

"_Hey, good news."_

"What's up?"

"_You got a role in three of the movies you auditioned for."_

"Shut up!" I said and smiled. "Which ones?"

"_You got the role of Joan Jette in The Runaways, which you don't start filming till later this year. And you got the role of Ally Craig in Remember Me. And the role you wanted in Blue Valentine."_

"Oh my god! Thank you so much, Brad. You're the best." He laughed. "Anything on Warped?"

"_Yes, at the end of the week, you guys start band practice. Make sure you pick out which songs you're going to play. And then the beginning of next week is when you start warped."_

"Okay, thank you so much, Brad."

"_Don't thank me, it's my job. I'll talk to you later."_

"Bye." When I hung up, the guys instantly asked what happened. "I got three movie roles that I wanted and we have band practice at the end of this week. Brad also said we need to decide which songs we're going to play. So I'll go bring the guitar and my notebook." I got up and walked to my room. I grabbed my electric guitar and notebook then walked back to the living room. I plugged it in our amp but made the volume low. "Alright," I sat back down and sighed. "We need to do Fully Alive since it's our first single."

"And All Around Me." Jesse said.

"I'm So Sick and Red Sam." I said and looked down.

"Are you sure? You don't have to." He said about Red Sam since it was about my life.

"I know. But I feel like I need to."

Throughout the next hour, we decided on Fully Alive, All Around Me, Red Sam, I'm So Sick, I'm Sorry, My Immortal, Supernatural, and Cassie. We played them all just to make sure we didn't want to change anything, and once we were done with that and smoking hookah, I put the hookah stuff away. I thanked Kiwi again for buying it for me, then put them in my room. I sat on my bed, just staring at the ceiling and thinking about everything. I hated being alone. Because when I am, everything just seems so much more real, and so much worse.

I felt my phone vibrating. When I picked it up, it said that Joe sent me a text message. We haven't talked since we split up, so I was shocked to see this.

_**We need to talk. Are you busy right now?**_

_No. Talk about what?_

_**Us. Meet me at my place, please?**_

_Okay._

I got ready, told the guys where I was going, then left. Ten minutes later when I arrived at the house, I could tell Joe was the only one there. This house was all too familiar. I missed it.

I shook the feeling I had and stepped outside, walking towards the door and rang the doorbell. A few seconds later, it opened and Joe was standing before me.

"Hey," He said. I could tell he had the same feeling I did when we saw each other.

"Hi," I looked down before my eyes began to water.

"Come in." He moved out of the way so I could walk in. He closed the door behind me and we walked to the living room. "Nick and Kevin are with Meaghan right now, so they won't be here for the next few hours."

"I haven't talked to her in a while. How is she?"

"Good. She misses you. She's on a TV show now, so I guess Nick and Kevin went to support her on set."

"Why didn't you go?"

"Because I wanted to make things right with you." I looked down. "Jael, You changed me. You made me a better person and I will never be able to thank you enough for that. I can't be mad at you and I don't want you to be mad at me."

"I was never mad at you."

"I know things will never be the way they were before again, but I just wanted us to still be friends. I can't lose a person like you." I didn't realize there were tears sliding down my cheeks. "You changed my life. And I will be forever grateful for that." I wiped the tears that fell. "You're going through a lot right now, I know that and I'm sorry for everything that you're going through. But please, forgive me for anything wrong I did to you."

"You never did anything wrong. You were perfect. You changed my life too, you made my career the success that it is now, so thank you. I'm sorry things didn't work out between us. But it had to be done."

"I'm not gonna say I know or that I understand, because I don't, but I'll just let things be. Can we be friends again, Jael?" I nodded.

"Yes." He had a huge grin on his face, stood up, as did I, and pulled me into a hug. "I'm sorry for everything. You need to know that I will always, always love you. But I'm not right for you. And you know that, no matter what you may think." He nodded as we both sat back down.

"I know. But I tried." It was silent for a few moments. "How's Charlotte?" I looked down as my eyes watered.

"She died." I saw the shock in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry. I know how close you guys were." I nodded.

"Yea." I wiped my tears. "Well, umm, I have to get going. It was nice seeing you again, Joe." I gave him another tight hug. "If you see Meaghan, tell her I said hi and to text me."

"I will." I gave him a kiss on the cheek, then left. When I got in my car, my eyes began to tear up. I pulled out my pack of cigarettes and lit one as I started driving. I was crying so much that I had to pull over on the side of the road and just let everything out. I don't understand why this is happening to me. Just Joe mentioning Charlotte broke me. I'm so happy we're friends again, but it's so hard to show my happiness, when I have all this other bullshit to deal with. I don't understand, I really don't.

I walked into the house with tears sliding down my cheeks. I went straight into my room and paced back and forth for about 15 minutes. I probably would have gone longer if my phone didn't ring. I picked it up and answered it, knowing it was Thomas. I don't know how, but he always knew when something was wrong without actually knowing it. It was like his subconscious told him to call me.

"Hey," I answered.

"_Hey, Jael. You busy?" He asked._

"Uhh, no. What's up?" I asked as I wiped my tears.

"_I want to see you. I have to tell you something, too."_

"Okay. I can drive down to your hotel."

"_Nigga, please. I bought a condo."_ I laughed.

"Damn, haha. Alright, text me the address and I'll drive down."

"_Alright, bye."_

I redid my make up from crying, then left and drove towards his place. I went up to the top floor, where his room was and knocked. Thomas opened the door and smiled when he saw me.

"Hey," He pulled me into a hug and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

"Hey, how are you?" I asked as I walked in.

"Good. How are you feeling?"

"Same." I said and shrugged. "But you said you wanted to tell me something?"

"Yea, so you know how I auditioned for the role in the A Nightmare On Elm Street remake?" I nodded. "I got the part." My eyes widened.

"Oh my gosh, congratulations!" I pulled him into a hug.

"Thank you."

"I actually got the parts I wanted in a couple movies as well."

"Yea? Which ones?" We both sat down on the couch in his living room.

"In one of them, it's about the band The Runaways," He nodded, knowing the band. "I play Joan Jette."

"Damn, I know it's gonna be good already." I laughed.

"And the other one is called Remember Me, and I play this girl whose mother died at a train station, and I eventually meat this guy who has daddy issues, and all this other stuff. It's a lot better than how I just explained it." He chuckled.

"I'm sure it'll be great."

"And then Blue Valentine which is basically the true life of what married couples go through."

"They all sound really good."

"Thanks. So when do you guys start filming?"

"Not for another month or so. Soon we're gonna start meeting the cast and having wardrobe fits and stuff."

"Well have fun. Did you get the part of Johnny Depp's character?" I asked excitedly.

"No." He said and laughed. "I thankfully don't get sucked threw a bed." I laughed.

"Well I'm glad you got the part, Thomas. We need to celebrate."

"Well, I never did take you out for your birthday like I was supposed to. You wanna go out tonight?"

"Okay. Where to?"

"There's this abandoned train track I like to go to for taking pictures. There's an abandoned house close by. We can take a blanket and lay it on the front yard of the house and watch the stars. How's that sound?" I smiled.

"It sounds beautiful." Thomas packed a couple bottles of wine and a pack of beer. With the blanket, I grabbed my bag, already having the important things I needed in it, and got in the car.

We arrived at the house and the abandoned train track was a few yards away. It was honestly one of the most beautiful places I've been to. Thomas laid the blanket out for us to sit on. He instantly pulled out the beer and wine, and I grabbed my acoustic guitar that I already had in there. Once we had everything settled, I sat down and opened a beer, then set the guitar on my lap.

"Play something for me. An original." I smiled.

"Okay. Umm, there's this song I had written recently, I'll play that one for you. It's called Come Home."

_We say it's okay to leave it alone_  
><em>But I want you to notice<em>  
><em>This case isn't closed<em>  
><em>Doors are open<em>  
><em>The lights are left on<em>  
><em>And there's never a night I sleep<em>  
><em>With the dreams that I'd have if you never decided<em>  
><em>Decided to leave<em>  
><em>Decided<em>  
><em>Decided to leave...<em>  
><em>There's never an ounce that I breathe<em>  
><em>Without thinking about<em>  
><em>Who I could have been with you<em>  
><em>There's never an ounce that I breathe<em>  
><em>Without thinking about<em>  
><em>Who I could have been if you didn't leave<em>

_The phone's been patient to hear your call_  
><em>But you never touched the dial<em>  
><em>You never touched the dial, now I know<em>  
><em>There's someone I wish walked through these halls<em>  
><em>But you'll never take the chance to come home<em>  
><em>So come home<em>

_You say we can learn from this_  
><em>But I just don't know<em>  
><em>what to do without you anymore<em>  
><em>your absence has taken it's toll on me<em>  
><em>what I should believe<em>  
><em>I just cant believe<em>

_there's never an ounce that I breathe_  
><em>without thinking about who I could have been with you<em>  
><em>there's never an ounce that I breathe without thinking about who I could have been if you didn't leave<em>

_the phones been patient to hear your call_  
><em>but you never touched the dial<em>  
><em>never touched the dial<em>  
><em>and now I know<em>  
><em>there's someone I wish walked through these halls<em>  
><em>but you never take the chance to come home<em>  
><em>so come home<em>

_you say it isn't my fault_  
><em>so I steer away<em>  
><em>I put off the pain<em>  
><em>for another day<em>  
><em>you think it wouldn't be tough<em>  
><em>8 years were never enough<em>  
><em>I'll wait for you<em>  
><em>if you'll never change<em>  
><em>I will be okay<em>  
><em>but I'll still stay up for you<em>  
><em>just in case you make the time for the right move<em>

_the phone's been patient to hear your call_  
><em>but you never touched the dial<em>  
><em>you never touched the dial<em>  
><em>and now I know<em>  
><em>there's someone I wished walked through these halls<em>  
><em>but you'll never take the chance to come home<em>  
><em>so come home<em>

_there's someone I wished walked through these halls_  
><em>but you never touched the dial<em>  
><em>you'll never touch the dial<em>  
><em>and now I know<em>  
><em>the phones been patient to hear your call<em>  
><em>but you'll never take the chance to come home<em>  
><em>and you'll never take the chance to come home<em>  
><em>just come home...<em>

I set the guitar down and wiped my tears as I sighed.

"I'm sick of feeling this way. I hate always being so depressed and alone. I just want to remember what it feels like to be happy again. I've been sad for so long, it's like all my other emotions are gone now." Thomas instantly grabbed a can of beer. He shook it and gave me a daring look. "Oh gosh, please don't!" I screamed and quickly stood up as he opened it. It splashed everywhere, and thankfully, didn't get on me. Thomas had beer all over his hands so he washed it off with water.

"You're ridiculous." I told him and he smiled.

"You mind if I tell you something?" Thomas asked as he walked closer towards me.

"Sure."

"Ever since," His face was only inches away from mine now. "The first day I talked to you, I've had feelings for you. I'm just letting you know because I can't hold in these feelings all the time and I feel like you should know. But how do you feel," His voice was so low; it was half whisper half husky as he talked. "About me?" I had shivers going up and down my back.

"There's always something." I replied. "With you. I always feel something with you. It's different, but it's nice."

"I have that same feeling, too." I sighed. "Jael, may I kiss you?" I couldn't talk so I just nodded, and his lips slowly lowered to mine. This kiss wasn't like any other kiss. We kissed and made out for My Sister's Keeper, but now, this feels real. Thomas eventually pulled away, and I haven't felt this way in the longest time.

"I know you're going through a lot right now, but I am always here for you. Always." I kissed him again and pulled him into a tight hug.

"Thank you." He squeezed me tighter, then let go.

Within the next hour, Thomas and I smoked cigarettes, drank wine, he took pictures and I played some songs on my guitar. We talked and talked and tonight had to be one of the most peaceful nights I've had in a really long time.

As the sun began to set, Thomas and I laid on the blanket and watched the sky. I lit another cigarette and sighed as the smoke filled my lungs. I turned my head and watched Thomas as he looked at the stars.

"Thank you." I whispered.

"For what?" He asked without looking at me.

"Tonight. I needed it, so…thanks." He rolled over and gently placed his lips over mine.

Once he pulled away, he kissed my forehead and stared deep into my eyes.

"You're welcome." I leaned up and kissed him again. He placed his hand on the side of my face and deepened it, licking the bottom of my lip then entering his tongue into my mouth. He wanted more, I could tell. But I was…scared. I don't know.

I pulled away from Thomas, needing to breathe.

"I don't know how far I'm comfortable with going. I…I was raped-by Josh. And I just,"

"Jael, you know _me._ You can trust _me_. I won't hurt you. I promise." Thomas made me feel safe. I haven't been or felt safe in a long time.  
>That night, Thomas made love to me. It wasn't gross or forced, but it felt perfect.<br>The next morning, I woke up naked but covered with another blanket. I turned over and saw Thomas sound asleep. He had his arm around my waist, but it wasn't just laid over it, but like he was protecting me. I smiled and slowly removed it off of me, then quickly got dressed before he woke up. I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and a lighter, then started to walk along the train tracks. I noticed a pond not too far from where we set up the blankets. I took a seat on the small hill beside it and lit a cigarette.

Last night was the first time I've slept in about a month. It felt good. I'm still exhausted but it was nice. I probably smoked about five cigarettes before I heard a flash. I looked up and saw Thomas with his camera in his hands. I smiled then took a hit out of the cigarette. Thomas walked over and sat beside me.

"Are you okay?" I looked into the pond for a few seconds then sighed.

"Yes, I am." I looked at him and smiled. "Thank you for an amazing night."

"You're welcome." He leaned forward and kissed my forehead, then pulled out a cigarette of his own. We stayed out here for a couple more hours, then left. I dropped him off at his place then drove back to my own.

**First chapter! It's super long and I hope you guys like it. Review please!**


	2. Beauty

When I arrived back that day, Caity was home alone and walking around in the kitchen, making something to eat.

"Hey," She said, popping a strawberry in her mouth then gave me a hug. "How was your night?" I hopped up on the counter and started eating cut up strawberries out of a bowl.

"It was good." I said, remembering it all and smiling.

"What?" She asked.

"Last night was…perfect." I looked up at her and she smiled.

"I'm guessing something serious happened between you two?" I smiled even bigger and nodded.

"I didn't realize how much I actually liked him until last night." I paused for a few seconds. "We had sex." Her jaw dropped.

"What?"

"I know. I didn't expect it either. I-I was scared at first because of Josh but…I just instantly felt safe with him."

"Wow. You really like him, huh?" I nodded.

"Yea, I do."

"I have some good news too." I looked at her, waiting for her to continue. "I'm pregnant again." A huge smile grew on my face.

"Congrats!" I gave her a tight hug and she laughed.

"I have an appointment with Dr. Montgomery in a few hours."

"Did you tell anyone else yet?"

"Kiwi. I checked as soon as they left, so I'll wait till Matt gets back."

"How do you feel? And are you sure? Don't you want to wait till your absolutely sure?"

"No, I know I am. I can feel it. But this time, I'm gonna be a lot more careful. Only healthy eating."

"We both know you're gonna get cravings."

"Yea, but hopefully those will be healthy too." I laughed. "Okay. I'll monitor it." She smiled. "You don't understand how excited I am for this baby. I wish the 9 months were over already." I smiled.

"You're gonna be a great mother."

"Thanks. I just hope this one wont come out 6 months early." I laughed.

"I have a feeling it won't."

I brought out my easel to the living room with all my painting things and set it up on top of a towel and newspapers. Caity brought her bowl of fruit salad and watched TV as I painted. We decided on recorded episodes of Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson. Charlie walked over and cuddled beside the chair I was sitting on.  
>Twenty minutes into my painting, my phone rang. Since there was paint all over my hands, I asked Caity to hold the phone to my ear. Before she answered, she told me it was Brad.<p>

"Hey Brad,"

"_Hey, I just wanted to let you know that next week you're gonna be on Ellen, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson and you'll be performing on Ellen and Jimmy. It's scheduled so that you're still having band practice and your shows on Warped."_

"Alright, sweet, just text me the exact days and time and call me the night before just to remind me."

"_As always. Alright, have a good day."_

"You too, Brad. Bye." Caity hung up and I explained to her what Brad told me. Within the next hour, I finished my painting and cleaned everything up. The guys finally got home and I told them what Brad told me as well. Tomorrow was when band practice started so we all reviewed the songs we were gonna play. It was a few songs from the album and a couple covers if we wanted.

"I really like Beautiful by Eminem. I wonder if there's a way we can just have the track playing of him rapping, and I'll sing the singing parts."

"That would be awesome if we can pull it off. Tomorrow during sound check, we can listen to the song and work it out. Caity, can you come and help us produce it?" Matt asked her.

"Sure. It'll be fun, I haven't produced in a while."

"Yay, it'll be fun. Alright, I'm gonna go on the balcony for a cigarette. Anyone wanna join me besides Caity?"

"Why besides Caity?" Jesse asked. I giggled.

"Oops."

"Thanks Jael. Umm, I'm pregnant." She told the guys and they all smiled.

"Are you sure?" Matt asked.

"Yup, I have an appointment in an hour." Matt got up and hugged her. I smiled as I grabbed my cigarettes and lighter, and walked out on the balcony. I took a seat on one of the chairs we had out there and thought about last night, and the events surrounding last night. I found myself smiling. I don't think I've actually been this truly happy in a really long time.

I was outside for about fifteen minutes when there was a knock on the balcony door. I turned around and saw Thomas opening the door.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" I asked him.

"I just wanted to see you. To make sure that we're okay."

"Yea, of course." I stood up and leaned against the railing. "I had a lot of fun last night."

"Me too." He walked closer to me and leaned against me as he kissed me. I put my hands on either side of his faced and smiled as I pulled away. "So, you're pretty busy the next couple weeks, right?"

"Yes. I have band practice starting tomorrow and next week is warped plus I have a couple interviews. And I'm pretty sure there are a few more shows after that and then I think I'll be making movies. But you should come to sound check tomorrow if you're not busy."

"How about you come over later tonight and we can go to sound check together?"

"Okay. Text me whenever you want me over."

"Alright."

"Why don't you come sit with us inside, I can get you a beer or something?"

"I would love to but I have to get going. I have a table reading with the cast of Nightmare On Elm Street. I just wanted to stop by for a little bit."

"Okay, I'll see you tonight, then?"

"Promise." He leaned down and gave me one last kiss before he left. I smoked another cigarette before I went back inside. The guys and Caity were sitting around the hookah and talking.

"So you got yourself another boyfriend, huh, Jael?" Matt asked and Caity hit his chest. I laughed and sat beside Jesse.

"It's okay, Caity, Matt was always the one to make fun of me whenever I had a new crush. And yes. He's not really my boyfriend, but I guess we're together now."

"Are you happy?" Evan asked.

"Yes, yes I am." Jesse put his arm around me and I leaned against his chest. I grabbed the extra hookah pipe and started smoking with them. "Caity, why are you smoking?"

"I'm limiting myself, don't worry."

"Good."

"So the guys and I went to see the warped stage. Dude, it's fucking awesome. We're gonna go crazy."

"I would've gone if I knew, shit! Is that where we're having practice?"

"Yea."

"Oh, and Thomas is coming to sound check. Just letting you guys know. But what other songs should we cover?"

"What about Something I Can Never Have by Nine Inch Nails. I really love playing that song." Jesse said.

"And Choke by A Perfect Circle." Evan suggested.

"Okay. I think our track list is good so far. So we'll play I'm So Sick, Fully Alive, Choke, I'm Sorry, Something I Can Never Have, My Immortal, All Around Me, Red Sam, Supernatural, and Beautiful." I read the names of the songs off a list they had.

"Yup. We have to go over the list with Brad and he'll tell us whether we need to take some songs off or add more or whatever."

"Is he coming to sound check, tomorrow?"

"Yea."

"Okay, so we can go through all of that with him tomorrow. When does Warped actually start?" I asked them.

"In like, three days." Evan replied. "We have these three days to choose songs and figure out what we're gonna do, then the first few shows are in California but all over, and then we're moving around the country."

"Sweet, I can't wait. You guys wanna make a video for the fans?"

"Sure." They all agreed so I got my laptop and started recording.

"Hey guys, it's Flyleaf. We haven't really made a video in a while but we just wanted to say that in three days, Warped Tour starts and we're gonna be playing so come check us out! We'll sign shit and take pictures, and just hang out. Come to our booth!"

"Do we know where it's gonna be yet?" Matt asked.

"Hopefully Brad put it by Jac's. He knows we're friends so I'm sure he will. But if not, we'll tweet where our booth is. So yea, please come and check us out."

"And buy our album!" Evan yelled last minute. "We'll be singing most of our songs and a couple covers."

"Yup, so come check us out! Thanks guys, you're awesome. Bye." I stopped recording and uploaded the video on YouTube. I posted a link to my twitter then continued talking with the guys.

"Gosh, I wonder what bands we're gonna meet." Jesse said.

"I know! And I can't wait to see Jac, I haven't seen her in forever." I replied. "Are they still setting up at Warped?"

"Yea, they're pretty much done, though. They're showing us our tent/booth too." Matt said.

"Sweet." My phone vibrated. I looked at the text, which was from Thomas, and he said I could go over any time now. "Alright, well, I'm going to Thomas's tonight and we're gonna go to sound check together. What time does it start?"

"Eleven." Jesse replied.

"Okay, see you guys there." I went into my room and packed a few things, then gave everyone a hug and left. Once I got in the car, I told Thomas I was on my may and drove.

When I got there, I grabbed my things and knocked on his door.

"Hey," He said when he opened the door. I walked in and gave him a kiss.

"Hello. How was it?"

"Good," I took my shoes off as he closed the door. "The cast is nice."

"Anyone famous enough that I would know?"

"Yea, all of them. Maybe you can come to set one day and meet them."

"That would be awesome." I put my things on his bead then turned to him.

"By the way, a friend of mine is gonna come over for a little bit. I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all, who?"

"Megan Fox."

"You're friends with her?"

"Yea, we worked on a movie together."

"Cool, but she's like, insanely pretty. You could have given me heads up." He laughed.

"You're beautiful too. And don't worry, she's a sweetheart."

"I'm sure. What are you guys gonna do?"

"Well _we_ are going to sit on the balcony and talk and drink and smoke and have fun. Plus, she wants to meet you."

"She knows I exist?" I joked and he nudged me. "I'm just kidding. How long till she gets here?"

"Any minute now, I think." I nodded. I leaned against his chest and he bent down and kissed me. We pretty much just fooled around and made out till Megan got there. I was outside on the balcony, setting up Thomas's hookah pipe when they both walked out.

"Hey, I'm Megan."

"Jael, it's nice to meet you."

"You too, I've heard a lot about you!" I smiled.

"I'm gonna go get some drinks and I'll be right back." Thomas said and went back inside.

"I'm a huge fan of yours, by the way." I told her.

"Thanks so much. I know you haven't done a lot of movies yet, but I'm looking forward to them. And thank you for not thinking I'm a slut like most people."

"Thank you. And I don't listen to anyone's bullshit. You're you and that's that." I said and she smiled.

"Didn't you do a movie with Thomas a few months ago?"

"Yea, My Sister's Keeper. And I'm filming a couple more this year, so."

"Congrats."

"Thank you." Thomas came back out with bottles of wine and a few glasses.

For the next couple hours, Thomas talked to us about his cast and his new movie, and Megan said she was gonna be in the Transformers movie. I told her about me getting the role as Joan Jette and she got very excited.

"Oh my gosh, that's amazing!"

"Thank you." I said and smiled. "Yea, I'm really excited for it."

"When do you start filming?"

"Not sure exactly but I think in a couple months. They're giving the band and I a chance to do Warped Tour and promote our album as much as we can first."

"Well let me know when you start filming. Maybe I can visit you guys on set and meet the cast?"

"Hell yea, of course."

"Awesome."

The three of us talked for a couple more hours when Megan decided to leave. Thomas and I gave her a hug, then I helped him take the hookah into the kitchen so he could clean it out.

"I'm gonna go change real quick, and I'll be right back." I told him and went into the bedroom. I changed into pajama shorts with the marijuana leaf all over it, then I put on a black tank top. I walked back out to the Kitchen where Thomas was and sat on the counter till he was done. He dried his hands then turned around and looked at me.

"What?" I asked. He walked up to me and gave me a kiss. "What was that for?"

"You're beautiful." My eyes instantly watered and I smiled.

"Thank you." My voice shook. He leaned his head against my forehead and kissed me again.

"Don't cry."

"Don't lie."

"I'm not." A sob slipped out and I began crying. He kissed me again and pulled me into a tight hug. I cried against his shoulder as he lifted me off the counter and walked me to his room. He set me on the bed and sat beside me, rubbing my back as I leaned against his chest.

"You're beautiful."

"Stop it."

"You're beautiful."

"Thomas, I-"

"You're beautiful, you're beautiful, you are _beautiful_." This made me cry even harder.

"You suck." He laughed and kissed me again. Thomas wiped my tears as I began to relax.

"You okay?"

"Yea, sorry about this. My insecurities are catching up to me again."

"It's fine. You're beautiful, no matter what you think." I smiled.

"Thank you. I'm really grateful that you're in my life. I wish my mom were still alive so you could meet her. She's an amazing person and I know she would like you." My eyes watered again but I held them back.

"I'm sure she was. Tell me about her."

"She was so…adventurous and artistic. She loved life; she loved art, and poetry and just everything. She was crazy, though." I laughed. "She made me go bungee jumping with her once, even though I was scared out of my mind. She tried to make me do all these crazy things with her, but most of the time I was too afraid. But that didn't stop her. And she loved to write. Almost every day, before she got sick, she would sit outside on our balcony in New York and would write in her notebook and she wouldn't stop for hours." Tears were sliding down my cheeks. But just because I missed her. "Even though my stepdad made our lives a living hell, there was a point where he was happy too. And my life was…perfect. I also never really understood her. But I have a box of her journals that she's written in since high school, and it made me understand her so much more. I remember in one of them, after I was born, she said the first time she held me in her hands she knew I was special. And all my life she made sure I knew that. Every time I wanted to try something, she made sure I stuck to it and didn't give up. And that's partly why I'm here now."

"In one of her journals, she said that I loved to draw as a kid; maybe around 2-3 years old. And my mom wanted me to get into painting so she would take all of my clothes off and put out this big sheet of paper in the backyard, and give me buckets of paint and let me make my own masterpiece. I could barely talk and she knew I was special enough to be the artist I am today."

"When did you start becoming depressed?"

"When Josh started to change and take out his anger on us. But it wasn't just depression, it was anxiety, panic attacks, manic episodes, paranoia. I was…crazy. And I still am. Even though it doesn't seem like it, everyday, I feel like there is a demon inside of me that just tears away at my insides. And I'm hurting all the time, even if it doesn't seem like it. I mean, I know happiness, I am happy sometimes, but when I am, these thoughts just flow into my head that make me feel like shit again."

"Have you ever been suicidal?" More tears came into my eyes.

"Yes. After I was raped, that's when everything got worse. And I couldn't take it anymore. I was having a manic episode and I couldn't think. It was like something took over me and…I cut myself so much that there was blood covering my whole arm. And then I took a bottle of Advil and swallowed about fifty of them. I was fine at first but then I felt this stabbing pain in my stomach and I passed out. I guess I fell on the ground and my mom came running into my room. She saw the spilled bottle of pills and knew instantly what happened. She took me to the hospital and I got my stomach pumped, and afterwards when I was laying on the hospital bed, I woke up and she was sitting beside me, holding my hand. I've never seen her so scared in my life and that's when I knew that I couldn't leave her. She was the only person I actually felt true love from, and," I was going through the memory in my head and just burst into tears. "I just miss her so much."

Thomas pulled me close to him and wrapped his arms tightly around me. I sobbed into his chest and I couldn't stop.

"When she died, I just, I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and it's like I can't feel anymore. She taught me love and it was her way of love that made me know how special life actually is, but I just can't feel like that anymore. I wish I happy, Thomas. And when I try to be, my depression instantly washes over me and it's like I can never be happy again. Not the way I used to be." I started hyperventilating and couldn't breathe from how much the tears were spilling out.

"I'm so unhappy all the time, and I wish it would just go away. But it won't and it hurts." I saw that he began to tear up to.

"Jael, breathe." I calmed down a little but the tears were still poring out. He placed his hands on either side of my face so that I looked at him. "I know I can't make you feel the way your mother did, but I promise you, I will try my best to make you as happy and as free as possible. I'm going to help you through this and I hope that you'll let me." I nodded.

"I will."

"I will make you feel strong and happy again. But you need to know that it will take time. But don't give up. Because seeing you in pain makes me in pain, and all I want for you is happiness."

"Thank you, Thomas."

"You're welcome. I'm here for you. Always."


	3. Let It Out

The next morning, I got up and got ready for sound check. I wore a floor-length skirt, a black, sleeve-less corset that stopped above my hipbones, and gladiator shoes. I put on my rings, necklaces and bracelets then did my make up as Thomas got ready.

"How long do you think you'll stay at sound check for?" I asked him, not knowing if he would be busy or not.

"Umm, I don't know, half hour? Maybe an hour?" He said as he walked out of the bathroom, only in his boxers. "I have another meeting with the cast so I can't stay long." I nodded.

"Okay." Thomas wore jeans, a black t-shirt and a leather jacket. He was also the type of guy who wore rings, so he put a couple on and even a necklace that I noticed he wore quite frequently.

"You ready?"

"Yup." I stood up and grabbed my bag and Thomas took his keys, then we walked out and got in his car. I felt my phone vibrate and had text from Jac.

_**Hey girla! I was told your band was having sound check at warped today. See you there?**_

_Yes mam. Expect a massive hug when I see you, though._

_**Haha, okay.**_

It took Thomas and I about twenty minutes to get to our location. Once he parked his car, we stepped out and I instantly smiled. It just hit me that we would be playing our first concert with the guys as Flyleaf.

We walked towards the stage and saw Evan, Matt, and Jesse on it.

"Hey guys!" I yelled so they could hear me.

"Hey!" They all said. As Thomas and I found the stairs that led us on top of the stage, the three of them walked towards us and gave me a hug.

"Where's Caity and Kiwi?" I asked them.

"They're with Jac at her tent."

"Is Brad here yet?"

"Nah, but just so you know, there are a couple other bands backstage." Matt told me.

"Like who?" I asked them, getting excited.

"Linkin Park and Three Days Grace are the only two that we know that are here."

"Shit, okay. I'll see you later guys." We all laughed as Thomas and I walked towards backstage. My eyes instantly landed on Mike Shinoda and Chester Bennington from Linkin Park, who were talking to each other.

"Oh my god, I'm so excited." I said and Thomas laughed. I turned my head and saw Adam and instantly lit up. "Adam!" I yelled and when he saw me, he smiled. I ran to him and he pulled me into a tight hug.

"Hey, how have you been?" He asked me as he let go.

"Good, I haven't seen you in forever. Why didn't you tell me you guys were playing at Warped?" I hit him lightly and he laughed.

"It didn't even cross my mind, I'm sorry." I gave him a look.

"It's okay. How are you, though?"

"I'm good." Someone called Adam so he had to go. "Alright, I'll see you later." I gave him another hug then he left. I turned around and saw Thomas not too far behind me and went up to him.

"Chester and Mike were staring at you the whole time you were talking to Adam." I laughed.

"Seriously?" He nodded. I took an unnoticeable glance at them and they said something to each other then started walking towards us.

"Hey!" Chester said excitedly. "You're Jael, right?"

"Yea."

"It's nice to meet you, I'm Chester."

"Mike," They each introduced themselves to me and I smiled.

"Hi, this is Thomas."

"How you guys doin?" Thomas said as he shook their hands.

"Good." Mike replied. "You're an actor, right?"

"Yup."

"Cool, yea man, I recognize you now." Chester said and we laughed.

"Jael!" I heard my name and turned around to see Evan. "Jac's here and she wants to see you."

"Alright, I'll be right there." I turned back to the guys "I'm really sorry, it was nice to meet you. Hopefully we'll talk to more later." I said bye and walked onto the stage.

"Jac!" I yelled and she turned around and screamed. I laughed and she ran up to me with her arms spread out for a hug. I squeezed her really tight then let go. "How are you?"

"I'm good, how are you! I'm so happy you're here!" I laughed.

"I know, we haven't seen each other in forever. Oh, this is Thomas."

"Hi, I'm Jac." She said and shook his hand. "My friend Nicole is here, I really want you to meet her later. And I'm gonna introduce you to so many people when Warped actually starts, though, so be prepared." I laughed.

"Okay." I realized I haven't hugged Caity and Kiwi yet. The three of us walked over to them and I hugged them both.

"Caity, how are you?"

"I'm good!" She said. "Morning sickness is back, yay!" She said sarcastically and we all laughed.

"I'm sorry, hun. Kiwi," He was glaring at me. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You really put a thousand dollars in my wallet." I laughed.

"Yes, and you better not give it back."

"Pfft, nigga it's already in my bank." I laughed. "And I may or may not of got an ounce of the dopest shit ever."

"No way! Oh my god, as soon as sound check is over, okay? Shit, I haven't smoked weed in the longest time."

"You're welcome."

"Thank you." I said and laughed.

Within the next hour, we ended up singing half our tracklist before Brad finally came. He couldn't stay long but he just made sure we were okay and understood everything, then left. Once we sang all the songs, we figured out how we were gonna play Beautiful by Eminem then sang it a couple times just to make sure it sounded right.

Afterwards, since we were done with soundcheck and Thomas left already, the guys and I went and met the rest of Linkin Park and talked more with Chester and Mike. They were insanely funny and really cool guys. They had to get going so we said goodbye and left back to the house with Kiwi and Caity.

"Kiwi," I said the second we got inside.

"Say no more, I know." We all instantly went on the patio with Kiwi's bong and he pulled out a zip lock bag filled with Marijuana.

"Oh my god!" I yelled and he laughed.

"Right?"

"You guys, I feel like we're on That 70's Show right now." Matt said, ironically because we were all sitting in a circle, and we laughed.

"Pack the bowl, Kiwi, I'll go get a lighter." I quickly went inside and grabbed a lighter and my camera. I saw Charlotte sitting alone on the couch and picked her up and brought her outside with us. I took a seat with Charlotte on my lap and started stroking her back. "Caity, since it's so early in the pregnancy, you get to get high. But only this time!" She laughed.

"I haven't gotten high in the longest time, so I'm sure one hit will be enough. Especially since this shit is really good." She replied.

"True." Kiwi took the first hit then passed the bong to Matt. He exhaled and a lot of smoke came out.

"Daaaammmmnnnn!" Jesse, Evan, Matt, and I said all at the same time and we bust out laughing.

"Dude, when the three of us would get high together when we were in middle school, we would freak out about whoever took the biggest hits. Like, you don't even know." Evan said and Matt laughed as he passed the bong to him.

"Dude, remember 'you already'?" He asked and I bust out laughing.

"Oh my god! 'You already' was our shit!" Jesse said and laughed. "Whenever we would say something to each other and we understood immediately or if the same thing would happen to us, then we would say 'you already'."

"Nigga, you already!" I said and we all laughed. Caity and Jesse took their hits, then Jesse gave the bong to me. "Watch this cat get so fucking high it starts to float."

"I'll go refill her bowl." Kiwi said, talking about the munchies, and we all laughed as he stood up and went inside. Caity took my camera and started recording. I took a big hit and ended up coughing as I exhaled from all the smoke.

"Shit!" I said and they all laughed. Kiwi came back and took another hit.

"Jael, what if the public finds out you smoke pot?" Caity asked me.

"I don't give a fuck." I laughed. "I'll be open about it, I really don't care. It's Marijuana, there's nothing wrong with it. And if someone has a problem with it, then…well, I don't care." They laughed.

We all took another hit when we started to feel the affects. We laughed nonstop and could barely breathe.

"Caity, give me the camera." I told her. I started recording how ridiculous we were acting and even the bong hits we took.

"Dude, I think we killed your cat." Matt said and I bust out laughed.

"I totally forgot about her!" I could barely talk from laughing so much so the words just sounded like a high-pitched squeal, which made them laugh too. I petted Charlotte just to make sure she was okay and she took a deep breath and sighed. "She's alive." I felt my phone vibrate and took it out of my bag to see that Thomas was calling.

"Hey,"

"_Hey, how are you?"_

"I'm good. What about you? How was your cast meeting?"

"_It was good, we had a lot of fun. What about soundcheck?"_

"It was a lot of fun. We got to talk to Linkin Park more and they're really cool guys."

"_I'm sure. I missed you."_ I couldn't help but smile.

"I missed you too. You should come over soon and take me back to your place." He chuckled.

"_Alright, I'll let you know when I'm coming down. What are you guys doing?"_ He asked as he heard Evan taking another hit from the bong.

"Getting high…" I said slowly.

"_Off of…?"_

"Marijuana."

_ "Okay, that's fine."_ I laughed.

"Alright. I'll see you later, okay?"

"_Okay, bye."_ I hung up the phone and put it back in my bag.

For the next couple hours, we all just goofed around while our high started wearing off. Ever since I was in middle school, this was the only thing that actually made me happy and made me sleep. It stopped me from having major panic and anxiety attacks. I honestly don't know what I would do without it. And this isn't the voice of an addict, this is the voice of someone with a fucked up life. And I finally found the one thing that made it better.

Thomas came over towards the evening and picked me up. I wasn't high anymore, and I just sat quietly the whole car ride. Whenever I get into thinking, my depression just takes over me. And I hate it.

"Are you okay?" He asked me.

"Yea. Just thinking." I answered.

"You wanna talk about it?" He pulled into a parking spot and turned off the car.

"No. I'm okay." I forced a smile then got out of the car with my things. As soon as we got inside his condo, I set my things down in the bedroom and collapsed on the bed.

"I'm so exhausted."

"Same here. Today was a long day." He took his shirt off and threw it in a basket. I noticed he had scratches on his back.

"What happened to your back?" I asked, getting worried.

"Nothing, it's fine." He was lying, I could tell.

"Thomas," He sighed and smiled.

"You scratched my back when we were…you know." I gasped.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry." He laughed.

"It's okay, really." He walked over towards me as I stood up. "I like them." I smiled.

"Do they hurt?" He shook his head.

"Nahh, I'm okay. Don't worry about it, okay? I don't know why, but it's comforting to see them."

"That's how I felt when I would cut myself." I said, honestly. "I never did it out of sadness or anger. It would be rare to do it for punishing myself, but honestly, it was such a release. Like all the tension and anger and misery that went on that day all comes out with each cut I make. And it felt good."

"I don't want you cutting yourself." I looked up at him, seeing he had worry in his eyes. "I want you to promise me something." He took a seat on the couch and pulled me on his lap. "I want you to promise to take out your anger, your frustration, sadness, anything, instead of taking it out on yourself, take it out on me. Okay?"

"Why? It'll just put you in pain. And I don't want anyone to feel as terrible as I do."

"Because I can't stand to see you in pain. Please, just try?"

"Okay."

The next morning, I woke up feeling terribly depressed. I turned over and Thomas was still asleep. I sighed and got in the shower. I noticed I lost a lot more weight. My bones protruded more than before and I felt very small and fragile. Yet still full of anger and resentment. I all of a sudden started crying and couldn't stop. I sat on the ground of the tub and let the water fall on me as I cried my eyes out.

About an hour later, I realized I was in here for quite a while, so I finished up and stepped out. I put Thomas's robe on and took a look at myself in the mirror. It was weird. I knew I was staring at myself, but she wasn't me. The person in the mirror is not me. She looked so small and week. Her tear filled, bright blue-ish green eyes. Who was that? It's not me. It can't be. When I look down at myself, I see a person, but not as sick as the one in the mirror. Is this what people see? The terrible monster in the mirror is me?

I looked back at myself and stared into the eyes of the girl when there was a knock on the bathroom door that startled me.

"Jael, you okay?" Thomas asked me.

"Umm, yea, I'll be right out." I put my clothes on and quickly parted my hair, then walked out.

"You've been in there for a while. What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm okay." I was about to turn around when he stopped me.

"Jael, I know you're lying." He looked deeply into my eyes. "You promised me that you would talk to me. Why won't you except my help?" My eyes watered again but I blinked them away.

"There's nothing, I promise. I'm just not feeling right today."

"What do you feel like?" He took a seat on the bed and pulled me on his lap. I rested my head on his shoulder and sighed.

"Like there's another person inside of me. Or another…something. I just…I looked in the mirror when I got out of the shower and I didn't see myself. I saw this girl who was so small and fragile. Just looking at her eyes, you could see everything and nothing at the same time. Is that me? Is that what people see when they look at me?"

"Come on." We both stood up and went to the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror. "Do you see her again?" I nodded. "When I look at you, I see a beautiful girl, yes she's fragile and small from lack of food, but she's also very strong. And very brave. When I look into your eyes, I see the ocean and an empty field. You don't wear your heart on your sleeve, but you wear your feelings in your eyes. I know you and I care about you. You may have been through a lot but that doesn't change who you really are." A lot of tears started sliding down my face but Thomas wiped them away. "You let these feelings overcome you, but you need to fight back. Tell them you're stronger. Show them that you're stronger. You will be okay, Jael. I promise."

I hugged him and cried against his chest. I don't know how long we stood there for, but letting this out made me feel a lot better.

"I know you haven't eaten in days." He told me. "And it scares me because everyday I look at you, you get smaller and smaller. And I'm so scared that one day, you'll just collapse and never wake up. But you prove me wrong every morning when I see you." I smiled.

"I know I don't eat a lot, but I feel strong. And I feel fine. My body isn't like other peoples, and I know that. My weight doesn't bother me, it never really did. But over time, I guess I just kept losing it and losing it."

"How much do you weigh?" He asked me.

"About 90 pounds." He was shocked.

"You're already at a really low weight, but if you get below 85 pounds, I'm gonna have to make you eat. I know you may feel fine but…your life can end at any moment. And I'm not gonna let you die on my watch." I nodded, understanding.

"Okay."

About a half hour later, I grabbed my cigarettes, laptop, and phone then sat outside on the deck. As I was smoking a cigarette, I went on twitter, reading people's statuses and replying to some of the fans that asked me questions.

_Had a lot of fun at sound check yesterday. Met Mike and Chester from Linkin Park and they're super cool guys. Can't wait for the Tour to start in two days! Please come and show your support._

A couple minutes later, I got a tweet from Mike himself and it shocked me because I didn't know he had a twitter. I instantly followed him then read his tweet.

_**It was really nice to meet you too! We had an awesome time. We gotta chill too, Chester says hi as well.**_

_Yes, we do! And tell him I said hey. I'll come to your bus when the tour starts(:_

_You guys are awesome and I've been a fan of yours for years._

_**Thank you so much! We heard your music and it's really good. And yea, definitely stop by. See you then!**_

I smiled and closed my laptop. I put my cigarette out and went back inside. Thomas had music playing and was drawing in his sketchbook while sitting on the couch. I sat beside him and watched him draw. I noticed he had several circular scars on his arm. They looked like they were from cigarette burns.

"Do you burn yourself with cigarettes?" I asked him. He laughed and shook his head.

"No. I would get burnt from falling asleep while smoking." I smiled.

"Not to be straightforward or anything, but that's kind of hot." He laughed and continued to draw. I rested my head on his shoulder and watched as he painted and drew for hours.

The end result was beautiful. It wasn't anything necessarily ordinary, but just the designs of it. Even the hard work he put into it was beautiful. He put it outside so it could dry faster then came back in and pulled me into a tight hug.

"What's this for?" I asked him, not letting go.

"I just felt like hugging you." I smiled and squeezed him tighter. He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. I kissed him then pulled away, leaning my forehead on his. "Are you feeling any better?" He asked, as he took a seat on the couch, not removing m from the position I was in.

"Just barely." I leaned forward and rested my head on his forehead. "Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Am I in anyway a burden in your life?"

"No." He said instantly. "You are no way in any shape, form, mentally or physically a burden in my life." I smiled. "And from the people I've met through you, you're not a burden to them either. Everybody loves you."

"You know, it's…so hard to actually feel loved by you guys' when I feel like I can't even love anymore."

"Tell me something," I nodded, telling him to continue. "And I'm sorry if it's too emotional for you, but what do you think when you think about your mother?" Instantly my eyes began to water. I wasn't looking at Thomas anymore, just at the empty spot on the couch next to him. I shook my head, not knowing what to say. "Who do you blame for her death?" Everything he said hit my heart so hard, my tears poured out so much more.

"I blame Josh…and I blame myself. And…and I blame my mother." I didn't realize what I had said till after it came out of my mouth.

"Why?" I took in a deep breath and sighed.

"Josh, because he ruined our lives. He hit me. He hit my mother. He-he raped me," A sob slipped out. Thomas wasn't even trying to comfort me and I knew it was because he was trying to help me.

"What did Josh do to you when he abused you? What was the worst? How did you feel the first time he hit you and your mother?"

"The worst was probably...he was so drunk and could barely stand straight. He got mad at me because I left my cup of water on the table. He grabbed a pan and hit me so hard I fell to the ground and my nose was bleeding. I had a huge bruise on the side of my face too." The memory was going through my head as if it was happening again. I couldn't even see Thomas anymore, but I still heard his voice.

I placed my hand on the side of my face where the bruise used to be and more tears slid out.

"And the first time he hit me, I thought it was a one time thing. I mean, I never knew he wasn't my real father and we got into this argument and he just slapped me so hard across the face. He apologized but…it just escalated to pushing me down flights of stairs and kicking my ribs while having an asthma attack."

"And the first time he hit my mother," I shook my head and wiped my tears. "It was already after he started abusing me and we got into a fight and my mom was trying to stop him from hitting me but he just pushed her on the ground. I quickly stood up and punched him so hard. He was shocked. Like, he had just realized what was happening and he stopped. My mom quickly stood up and we ran upstairs, packed as much of our things as we could and went to Jesse's house for a few weeks."

"Why do you blame your mother?" He asked, reminding me that I didn't answer him before.

"Because she married him in the first place. She never told me he wasn't my real father. She didn't leave him the first time things started taking the wrong turn. She…she didn't have any control. She didn't know what to do."

"So you don't blame her. You're just mad at the decisions she's made." I nodded. "Have you guys ever tried getting away?"

"Oh yea. So many times. We tried staying at a hotel but he found us. I don't know how but he did. And dragged us back to the house. But what I never understood was…why he did all these things in the first place, you know? How come he wanted us to stay so bad if all he did was hurt us? I think he was alone. He was so lonely that he just needed the company of his 'family'."

"Have you heard from him at all recently?"

"Hell no. If I ever see that bastard, oh my god I don't even want to think about it." More tears slid down my cheeks and I started having an anxiety attack.

"Let it out. Let everything out." I stood up and turned my back to him because I couldn't hold anything in anymore. Thomas stood up behind me, putting his hand on my lower back. "I know it hurts, but you'll feel better."

"Why are you doing this?" I said through my sobs.

"Because you need answers. And I'm helping you find them." He turned me around so I was facing him. "Close your eyes." He was so close to me, I felt his breath on my face. "Just take a deep breath in and exhale." I did what he told me. "Let it all out." I felt like my insides were gonna explode. "Take it out on me."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"Hurt me." His voice was so compelling, I completely lost it. I screamed so loud, louder than I've ever screamed before in my life. The tears were uncontrollable at this point. "Pretend I'm Josh, hit me."

"No."

"Hit me!"

"No!" I screamed even louder. He grabbed my arm, reminding me of when Josh did before I went to Camp Rock and I lost it again. I pushed him back and started banging against his chest as I screamed and sobbed. I fell to the ground and bent forward so that my legs were under my thighs and my head was against my knees. I had my hands holding my hair so tight, I think I pulled out a few strands. "I can't stop!"

"You're still in so much pain. Seventeen years of all that bullshit. Let it out." He helped me up and took me to the kitchen. He opened one of the cabinets with glass cups. "Do it." He wanted me to throw them.

"I can't." I whimpered. I could barely breathe and my heart was beating so fast, I could feel it throughout my body.

"Break the fucking glass, Jael!" He yelled. "Remember what Josh did? He lost his job and drank into nothing! He couldn't even help your mother! He _killed_ your mother!" He grabbed the first cup and handed it to me, knowing that would hit a nerve. I through the glass so hard against an empty wall and the glass shattered everywhere. It felt good. "Your mother was sick, lying in bed for months-years!" He grabbed the next one and gave it to me. "She was HELPLESS!" I threw the next glass, then the next and the next. The shards of glass were flying everywhere, but I didn't care. I stepped all over them, making my feet bleed. It hurt…but I was so numb and angry and fragile and pitiful, I couldn't feel it.

Randomly, exhaustion fell over me and I fell on top of the glass, breathing hard. Thomas picked me up bridal style and set me on the couch, putting a towel under my feet since they were bleeding. He went to the kitchen and swept up the glass and once he was done, he came to me with a first aid kit. He lifted my legs and sat under them, slowly pulling the glass from the bottom of my feet.

Once he was done, he put a disinfectant liquid on my feet, which made it sting.

"Sorry, I know it hurts. I'm almost done." He wiped off all the extra blood, then lifted me up again and took me to the bathroom. "I'm not being a perv, showering after a mental breakdown is the best thing, I promise." I could barely move, and he knew that, so he helped me undress, then turned the shower on so I could get in. He took his shirt off and jeans so that he was only in boxers, and got in as well. I was staring straight ahead, not even aware of what was happening.  
>Thomas sat me down in the tub and began massaging the shampoo into my hair. I closed my eyes and wondered how my life became this way. All of it, it was so…abnormal, yet normal because it's what I grew into. I don't even know what normal is. This, my life right now, is what I've known as 'normal' for years. This is it. And probably always will be.<p>

After I was done in the shower, Thomas tied my hair up in a bun and wrapped me tightly in his robe. He carried me bridal style to his bedroom and laid me down on the bed, laying down right beside me. I rested my head against his chest and just closed my eyes till I fell asleep.

**I hope you guys liked this chapter. The ending was meant to be therapy for Jael, if you didn't realize. I'll upload the next one as soon as I can. Please review, it would mean a lot. Thank you, xoxo.**


	4. Just Leave Me Be

I woke up a few hours later, seeing a piece of paper beside me. Thomas was gone so I picked up the letter to read it.

_Jael,_

_Went out for some cigarettes, be back soon. Please stay safe.  
>I'll see you soon.<em>

I sat up, realizing that I was still in only a robe. The events of a few hours ago played through my head and I sighed. My heart didn't feel as heavy, which helped with my anxiety, but I still felt extremely depressed.

I got dressed, not really bothering to fix my hair and do my make up. I just took my hair out of the bun and it was sitting below my shoulders, wavy and messy, but in a good way. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I looked at my phone and went through my contacts, realizing I still had my mothers phone number. I called it, not sure if anything would work. But then I heard her voice…and I froze with tears in my eyes.

_"Hey, this is Claire. Sorry I missed your call. Just leave your name and number and I'll get back to you ASAP. Bye."_ This was an old voicemail. I even heard me as a child in the background. I replayed the voicemail again and again and again.

I hung up the phone and wiped the tears falling down my cheeks. I texted Jesse and asked him to pick me up. Within the ten minutes that he was on his way here, I wrote a letter to Thomas telling him I would see him later, then left.

"Are you alright?" Jesse asked me once I got in the car.

"Yea, I'm just tired." I took out a cigarette and rolled down the window then lit it.

"Will you be okay for Warped?"

"Is…is that tomorrow?" I asked, not remembering.

"No, the day after. Jael…you're not being yourself. What's going on?"

"It's-it's nothing."

"Did Thomas hurt you?" He asked, getting protective.

"No, far from it. It's just-remember when we were in middle school, and it was just you and me and I would be in a bad mood, and you would talk to me and I would talk to you and I would let everything out then just be physically and mentally exhausted for a few days from crying so much?" He nodded. "Thomas helped me so much today, and I'm just tired. I promise, that's it."

"Okay, I believe you. Charlotte misses you. Every time you go out, she sleeps on your bed." I smiled.

"I'll cuddle with her when we get home."

By the time we got to the house, as soon as I walked inside, Charlotte ran up to me and started clawing at my jeans. I smiled and picked her up, petting her as I walked upstairs to the living room. Caity and Matt were cuddling on the couch and Evan and Kiwi were playing Call of Duty on the Wii.

"Kiwi, can I use your bud and bong, please?" I asked him.

"Yea, of course. The bong's still outside and the bud is on the kitchen counter." With Charlotte still in my arms, I took the bag out with me to the balcony and sat down. I let Charlotte sleep on my lap as I filled the bowl in the bong with weed.  
>Within the first two hits, I was already high. I felt my phone vibrate and sighed when I saw that it was Thomas.<p>

_What's going on? Are you okay?_

_**I'm fine. I just wanted to come home for a bit. Everything's fine, I promise. I just need some alone time.**_

_Okay..did I do anything wrong?_

_**No, I promise. You helped me better than anyone has in years. Thank you for that.**_

_Okay. Just let me know when you're feeling better._

_**Will do. Bye.**_

After about ten minutes, Caity came out and took a seat across from me.

"You okay?" She asked me. I explained to her everything that happened between Thomas and I yesterday. "Wow. How do you feel now?"

"I'm fine. I'm just emotionally exhausted, you know?" She nodded. "How's your pregnancy?"

"Still having morning sickness, but it comes with the job, you know?" I nodded. "Pass the bong?"

The rest of the night consisted of Caity and I getting high and talking for hours on end. Charlotte was asleep and purring most of the night as I petted her.

"Can I ask you something, Caity-Kat?" I asked her.

"Of course."

"How much have I changed since I broke up with Joe?" She thought about it for a couple minutes.

"A lot. Even though your life hasn't changed drastically, you've definitely became more depressed, more stressed, emotional, and more of an insomniac. Plus a lot more anti-social."

"Then how come no one's tried to help me?"

"Because you don't necessarily accept help from anybody. We can try and try but something that's different about you is that when you talk about your problems, you become more depressed. And we don't want to affect that. Does Thomas help your depression at all?"

"Yea, a lot actually. He definitely helped me today, but I don't know why I can't really talk to him right now. I just need some space. I basically spilled my heart out to him, and I just feel so…naked. Plus, my feet hurt like hell from walking on the glass." She laughed. "I'll get better one day, though. I promise."


	5. I'll Get Better, I Promise

**WARNING: there's a sex scene in this chapter.  
>And an important Author's Note at the bottom. Enjoy!<strong>

Within the next few days, Warped Tour started and the first few nights were amazing. They loved our songs and the covers, plus I get to see Jac every day. The few songs that I cried in made the audience cheer even louder, letting me know that they were there for me, which made me cry even more.

"Thank you guys so much!" I said to the audience the day before I went on Ellen. "My name is Jael Pierce, The guitarist is Evan," He played a small guitar solo. "The bassist is Jesse," He played a small bass solo. "The drummer is Matt and we are Flyleaf!" I said as Matt played a solo as well. "Thank you so much!"

I walked backstage, wiping the tears from my cheeks and looked up, surprised to see Miley.

"Jael!" She screamed and ran up to me, pulling me into a tight hug. "I missed you so much! Look how tiny you are, holy shit." I laughed. "Why haven't you kept in touch? Me and Demi are so worried."

"I'm sorry, I've just been really busy. Come over today, okay?"

"I will. I'm gonna go find Jac. We've been talking about collaborating a bracelet together."

"That's awesome. When you see her, tell her I'll stop by her tent later. Love you." I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek, then walked over to Chester and Mike. Over the coarse of Warped Tour so far, we've actually become pretty good friends. I sat on Chester's lap and sighed as I rested my head on his chest.

"What's wrong?" He asked as he wrapped his arms around me. He was like a brother to me.

"My songs are too emotional." Him and Mike laughed.

"I'm sorry." I sighed.

"I need a cigarette. I'll see you guys later."

I walked around the warped set, smoking a cigarette and passing by all of the tents. A couple people stopped me for autographs and pictures, but I continued to walk afterwards. I heard a few people calling my name, but I wasn't exactly sure so I kept walking.

"JAEL!" Someone yelled again. I turned around and saw Jac, Miley, and Kris. Kris ran up to me and spun me around as he hugged me. I smiled and gave Jac a hug.

"Hey guys."

"Jael," Jac said, dragging a girl beside her. "This is Nicole, the girl I told you about."

"Hi, I've heard so much about you. It's nice to finally meet you." Nicole said to me as she gave me a hug.

"Likewise."

We talked for a little while when I started feeling really depressed. I lied to them and told them I was getting tired, but since Miley was coming over, she followed me to the guys.

"Miley, hold my hand please." She held my hand with a confused look on her face.

"Are you okay?"

"I haven't fully slept in weeks and I haven't really eaten anything in about a month or two. I keep blacking out and the feeling of knowing someone's there for me when I can't see anything is comforting."

"Jael, you have to take care of yourself." When she talked, it was like I could barely hear her.

"And now that we started Warped, I've been so busy and I have interviews all week and like, three movies to film and," I started having an anxiety attack. Miley pulled me between two tents so no one could see us.

"Jael, look at me." She placed both hands on either side of my face, helping me relax. "This is your life now. I know it's hard, but that's what it is. Don't think of it as work, think of it as the grateful life that you have. It's fun. You have so many fans that love your music. You're going to make three amazing movies and probably will win an Oscar or something." I smiled, still hyperventilating.

"You have an amazing life. I know the effect of your past life is still surrounding you but you need to realize that things will get better. I promise." I nodded and sighed.

"Thank you."

"When we get to your place, eat something and just relax, okay?" I nodded.

"Do you care if I smoke at all?"

"No."

"Not even marijuana?" She laughed.

"I don't care."

We found the guys and went home. Instead of sitting on the balcony, we went in the basement setting up the hookah and bong.

"Wow, you guys are crazy." Miley joked and we laughed.

"By the way, Caity's pregnant so if you see her running to the bathroom, don't worry."

"Oh my gosh, congrats!" Miley gave Caity a hug.

"Thank you."

"How far are you?"

"Almost 5 months." I just now realized how big her stomach has gotten.

"Oh wow. I'm so happy for you." Jesse heated up the hookah and the guys started smoking it. I took the bong and took two hits.

"Miles, you wanna smoke anything?" I asked her and she laughed. "I'm not trying to corrupt you or anything, I'm just wondering if you wanna try it."

"I'll try the hookah." She got up and sat next to Jesse. "Is it gonna make me cough or anything?"

"No." He replied. "It's smooth." She took a hit and exhaled, then smiled.

"It tastes and smells really good."

"Thank you!" I told her. "I chose the flavour of the tobacco. It's called Pomberry Mint. And so far, its one of my favourites." I knew Miley could tell I was feeling better already, especially since I was high.

"Jael, I almost forgot, guess what?"

"What?"

"I'm gonna be in a Nicholas Sparks movie!" I smiled widely.

"Oh my gosh, congrats!" I gave her a hug.

"Thank you. I have to fly down to Georgia in a few days to start filming."

"We're going there for Warped soon so I'll text you and I can visit you on set and stuff."

"Okay!"

A couple hours later, Jesse dropped Miley off at her place and Kiwi and I put the bong and hookah away. I heard a knock on the door and went to open it. It was Thomas.

"H-hey. What are you doing here?" I asked him, stepping outside and closing the door.

"You haven't talked to me in a week. I wanted to make sure everything was okay."

"Yea, of course. I'm sorry, I've just been really busy." He could see right through me. I could tell.

"Jael, I-" He paused and sighed. I noticed he had tears in his eyes, which made my eyes water. "Why won't you talk to me?" His voice shook. I instantly pulled him into a hug and I felt his tears landing on my scalp.

"I'm sorry." I pulled away and gave him a kiss. "Do you want to come inside? I would come over but I have to do Ellen and Jimmy Kimmel tomorrow, plus a couple interviews during Warped. Then the day after I have to do Craig Ferguson. When do you start filming?"

"We already started. That's another reason why I came here. Look, can we just go somewhere for a little bit? So it's only the two of us?" I nodded.

"Let me grab my bag and I'll be right back. Meet you in my car?" I asked, noticing he didn't come with his car. He nodded and I went inside. I told everyone I was going out with Thomas and grabbed my purse and phone. I slipped on my flip-flops then went in my car.

"You wanna go to your place?" I asked him.

"Sure." When we arrived, as soon as we got up to his room, we both took a seat on his couch. "We're going to Chicago to film most of the movie, so I won't be able to see you for a while. I thought maybe when I got back since I don't have a ton of scenes, but then you'll be filming movies for the rest of the year, so," I nodded, wiping my tears.

"It's okay. It'll be fine. This year will go by fast and we'll see each other again soon." It hurt me a lot more than I expected and a whole new wave of tears washed over me. Thomas pulled me into a hug and let me cry against his chest.

"Look at me." I looked up, his face blurry from the tears in my eyes. He had his hand on the back of my head and stared me deep into my eyes. "I won't be gone forever. We'll see each other soon. I promise." He leaned down and kissed me gently but then deepened it. I wrapped my arms around his neck and sat up so that each of my legs were on both of his thighs. He lifted me as if I was only a stone and laid me down gently on the couch beneath him. He pressed his chest against mine and I gasped, slipping my hands under his shirt; feeling his abs, I slipped his shirt off and made my way up, entangling my hands in his hair once again.

He moved his lips down to my jaw and his hands roamed lower and lower, slipping down my torn jeans and unbuttoning them. He brought his lips back to mine as he inserted himself into me. I gasped as he went faster and faster. I wrapped my arms around his back, digging my nails into his skin without realizing it and kissed him again.

He moved his lips down to my neck and the warmth of his breath against my skin made a shiver run down my spine. Thomas turned me over so that I was on top of him and I kissed him endlessly. We eventually just laid there, arms entangled around each other, not wanting to let go. My eyes watered again and I tried to hold them in, but Thomas noticed when he felt my tears falling against his bare chest.

"Please don't cry." He wiped my tears as I sniffed. "Why is it bothering you so much?"

"Because you're not like anyone I've had in my life before. And you've actually helped me and I don't know what I'm gonna do without you." More tears fell.

"There's always the phone, and skype, and we'll visit each other as often as possible, okay?" I nodded, hiding my face from him by turning it into his neck.

"Okay." I whispered. "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too."

About an hour later, I left, driving back to the house. The next morning I woke up and got ready for Ellen. The guys and I were performing as well so once we were all ready, we drove down there and walked into our dressing room. Before the show started, Ellen came in and gave me a hug and I introduced her to the guys. Soon enough, it was time for me to go on. I walked out and one of the people who worked there hooked me up to the mic.

"Alright, my next guest is a beautiful and talented girl, she's been on tour with Connect 3 and has her own album called Still Life, Still Alive, with her band Flyleaf. Please welcome, Jael Pierce!" I put a smile on my face and walked out. I waved to the audience and gave Ellen a hug. I took a seat once the music stopped and faced Ellen. "Thank you so much for coming again."

"Thanks for having me."

"How are you? I know you actually have a movie coming out this year."

"Yea, I do. It's called My Sister's Keeper, based off an amazing book. I think it's coming out next month, actually, so I'll be promoting that soon as well."

"I saw the trailer and it looks fantastic. And it's definitely a tearjerker, from what I could tell. Can you tell those of us who don't now what it's about?"

"Yea, definitely. My Sister's Keeper is about a girl named Kate, she was diagnosed with Leukemia when she was three, and her parents decided to have a donor baby, which is basically a child specifically conceived to be a perfect match and donate anything that Kate needs. Her name is Anna and as the two of them get older Anna decides she doesn't want to donate to Kate anymore when Kate needs her the most, and throughout the movie you realize why."

"Wow, that sounds really good."

"Thank you. Everyone should check it out when it's in theaters." The audience cheered and I smiled.

"And didn't you actually shave your head for the role?"

"Yea, I did. My head and my eyebrows, as did my costar Thomas Dekker. But it's grown back now."

"I can see that. Your hair grows really fast!"

"Yea, it does." I said and Ellen laughed.

"Alright, so, remember the last time you were here and we were talking about your celebrity crushes?" I nodded, not really knowing where she was going with this. "And remember I told you that I would bring Shia to the show the next time you were here?" A smile grew on my face.

"Oh god."

"Everyone, please welcome, Shia Labeouf!" The audience screamed and cheered as the music played. I turned around and saw Shia walking towards us. My hands went over my mouth as it dropped. The music stopped when he reached us and he gave Ellen a hug then me.

"Hi Shia!" Ellen said to him.

"How's it going?" Shia took a seat on the couch and I sat beside him. "It's really nice to meet you." He said to me and I couldn't stop smiling. My head dropped to my hands and everyone laughed.

"It's nice to meet you too."

"Ellen told me you were a fan and asked me to stop by."

"Yea, thank you for coming." He laughed and turned to Ellen. "Why didn't I see this coming?" Ellen laughed.

"Don't ask me." She said and laughed. "I think everyone knows by now that I do this stuff."

"Yea, blame it on me Ellen, thanks." Everyone laughed.

"Your movie sounds really good, by the way." Shia told me.

"Thank you. All of your movies are amazing." He chuckled.

"Thank you."

"So what are your plans, Jael? Anything new happening that you can tell us?" Ellen asked me.

"Well I'm currently on Warped Tour for a couple weeks and right after I'll be promoting My Sister's Keeper and shooting another movie." Everyone cheered. "I'm actually shooting three movies this year so I'm really busy."

"Wow, well good luck with everything."

"Thank you."

"We're gonna take a quick break and when we come back, Flyleaf will be performing. We'll be right back." The audience cheered.

"I hope I don't mess up. You could've warned me that he was gonna be on the show, Ellen." They both laughed.

"Hey, you didn't watch any of the promos on TV, so it's your fault." I laughed.

"You'll be fine." He told me and I smiled. I knew I was blushing and I covered my face as they both laughed.

"Alright, let's head back there where your band is already set up." Ellen led me to where the guys were and I stood in front of the mic as she unhooked the other one from me.

_Telling Layla's story spoken  
>'Bout how all her bones are broken<br>Hammers fall on all the pieces  
>Two months in the cover creases<em>

_Fully alive_  
><em>More than most<em>  
><em>Ready to smile and love life<em>  
><em>Fully alive and she knows<em>  
><em>How to believe in futures<em>

_All my complaints shrink to nothing_  
><em>I'm ashamed of all my something's<em>  
><em>She's glad for one day of comfort<em>  
><em>Only because she has suffered<em>

_Fully alive_  
><em>More than most<em>  
><em>Ready to smile and love life<em>  
><em>Fully alive and she knows<em>  
><em>How to believe in futures<em>

_Here she stands today  
>in her brilliant shining way<em>

_Stronger than her pain_

_In her brilliant shining way_

_Fully alive  
>More than most<br>Ready to smile and love life  
>Fully alive and she knows<br>How to believe in futures_

_Fully alive_  
><em>More than most<em>  
><em>Ready to smile and love life<em>  
><em>Fully alive and she knows<em>  
><em>How to believe in futures<em>

The audience cheered and I smiled.

"Wow, that was amazing!" Ellen yelled over the cheers as she walked towards me with Shia.

"Thank you."

"Everybody pick up Still Life, Still Alive in stores now and don't forget to check out My Sister's Keeper!" They cut to commercial and Shia introduced himself to the rest of the band. Before we left, I gave Ellen and Shia another hug and Shia even gave me his number for whenever I wanted to talk or just to hang out. I give him mine as well then we left. We had to hurry and get to Warped and we played our set, hung out for a little bit, then around eight, I made my way to Jimmy Kimmel.

I remember when the producer of the show called me and asked what I wanted in my dressing room, all I told them was a piano or keyboard, not really expecting either, when I walked in, I smiled and sat down at the bench instantly. Before the show started, Jimmy came and introduced himself.

"Thank you so much for the piano." I told him.

"Of course."

"Who's the other guest here? I forgot to ask the producer."

"Eminem." I instantly smiled.

"Shit, do you think he minds me playing?" Jimmy laughed.

"No, he doesn't. He asked who the other guest was as well because your playing was really good." I smiled widely and Jimmy laughed again. "I have to go start the show. I'll see you in a little bit." I gave him a hug and he left.

I played the piano throughout the show until Eminem came on. When he was done and there was a commercial, like on Ellen, someone who worked with the show walked me to the set and hooked me up to the mic.

"Did Eminem go back to his dressing room?" I asked, assuming it was a yes.

"No, he's still out there." I got a little nervous but pushed past it and walked out when Jimmy said my name. The audience cheered as I walked up to Jimmy and gave him a hug, I then came up to Eminem and he gave me a hug as well. I took a seat and the music stopped.

"Hi Jael, how are you?" Jimmy asked me once everyone stopped cheering.

"I'm good, how are you?"

"I'm good. Thanks for being on the show."

"Thank you for having me."

"Have you met Eminem before?" I knew he only brought him up cause of what I said in the dressing room and I gave him a look and he laughed.

"No, I haven't. But I'm a big fan." I said, turning to him.

"Thank you."

"Now are you really or are you just saying that?" I took in a deep breath and Jimmy laughed again.

"No, I truly am. I have every album and I've been a fan since I was in middle school."

"Well, way to make me feel old." Everyone laughed.

"That was definitely not intentional. I'm sorry."

"It's cool. No, thank you. I appreciate it." I turned back to Jimmy and gave him a slight glare.

"So the main reason why I wanted you on the show was because I heard you were a Lost fan." I smiled and nodded.

"Yes, I'm a huge fan."

"I'm going to assume that the show confuses you just about as much as it confuses the world?" A few people laughed, as did I.

"Well I've seen every episode several times, but it never really did confuse me. I mean, yea I guess I have a few questions, but those are mainly ones that'll hopefully be answered throughout the show. So no, I guess not."

"Wow. Really? Cause I have hundreds of questions per episode." I laughed at his exaggeration. "Now umm, you're actually on Warped Tour, right?"

"Yea."

"How's it going? I know it's your first tour since the album came out, which is really good, by the way."

"Thank you. It's good-the fans are great. And actually, I do a cover of Eminem's song, Beautiful."

"Really! The rapping too?" Everyone laughed.

"Uhh, no. There's a track playing for the rap and I sing the singing parts plus play the piano."

"That's amazing! And the fans seem to like it?"

"Yea, they love it." A girl in the audience screamed really loud, probably because she heard me sing it before, and everyone laughed.

"After the show, if you're not busy, can you play it in your dressing room? I would love to hear it."

"Yea, of course."

"I wouldn't mind hearing it too." Eminem said and I smiled.

"Okay."

"And we'll take a camera guy down there to record you and we'll put it on youtube for everyone else to see."

Jimmy asked me a few more questions and I told him about My Sister's Keeper as well. The show eventually came to an end and for about a half hour, Eminem and I signed things and took pictures with some fans in the audience, then headed backstage with Jimmy and the camera guy towards my dressing room.

I pulled my laptop out of my bag and played the track from my iTunes, then took a seat at the piano and started playing.

_[Jael]_

_Lately I've been hard to reach_  
><em>I've been too long on my own<em>  
><em>Everybody has a private world<em>  
><em>Where they can be alone<em>  
><em>Are you calling me?<em>  
><em>Are you trying to get through?<em>  
><em>Are you reaching out for me?<em>  
><em>Yeah, I'm reaching out for you...<em>

_[Eminem]_  
><em>I'm just so fuckin depressed, I just can't seem to get out this slump<em>  
><em>If I could just get over this hump, but I need something to pull me out this dump<em>  
><em>I took my bruises, took my lumps, fell down and I got right back up<em>  
><em>But I need that spark to get psyched back up, in order for me to pick the mic back up<em>  
><em>I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in<em>  
><em>I'm startin to feel distant again, so I decided just to pick this pen<em>  
><em>Up and try to make an attempt to vent but I just can't admit or come to grips<em>  
><em>With the fact that I may be done with rap, I need a new outlet<em>  
><em>And I know some shit so hard to swallow, but I just can't sit back and wallow<em>  
><em>In my own sorrow, but I know one fact, I'll be one tough act to follow<em>  
><em>One tough act to follow<em>  
><em>I'll be one tough act to follow<em>  
><em>Here today, gone tomorrow, but you'd have to walk a thousand miles...<em>

_[Jael]_  
><em>In my shoes, just to see, what it's like to be me, I'll be you, let's trade shoes<em>  
><em>Just to see what it'd be like to feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside each others minds<em>  
><em>Just to see what we'd find, look at shit through each others eyes<em>

_But don't let them say you ain't beautiful, ohh_  
><em>They can all get fucked, just stay true to you<em>

_So oh oh_

_Don't let them say you ain't beautiful, ohh_

_They can all get fucked just stay true to you_

_Sooo…_

_[Eminem]_  
><em>I think I'm startin to lose my sense of humor, everything's so tense and gloom, I<em>  
><em>Almost feel like I got to check the temperature of the room just as soon as<em>  
><em>I walk in, it's like all eyes on me, so I try to avoid any eye contact<em>  
><em>Cause if I do that, then it opens the door for conversation, like I want that<em>  
><em>I'm not looking for extra attention, I just want to be just like you<em>  
><em>Blend in with the rest of the room, maybe just point me to the closest restroom<em>  
><em>I don't need no fuckin man servant, tryna follow me around and wipe my ass<em>  
><em>And laugh at every single joke I crack and half of them aint even funny like<em>  
><em>"HA! Marshall you're so funny man you should be a comedian, god damn"<em>  
><em>Unfortunately I am, I just hide behind the tears of a clown<em>  
><em>So why don't you all sit down, listen to the tale I'm about to tell<em>  
><em>Hell, we ain't gotta trade our shoes, and you aint gotta walk no thousand miles<em>

_[Jael]_

_In my shoes, just to see, what it's like to be me, I'll be you, let's trade shoes_  
><em>Just to see what it'd be like to feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside each others minds<em>  
><em>Just to see what we'd find, look at shit through each others eyes<em>

_But don't let them say you ain't beautiful, ohh_  
><em>They can all get fucked, just stay true to you<em>

_So oh oh_

_Don't let them say you ain't beautiful, ohh_

_They can all get fucked just stay true to you_

_Sooo…_

_[Eminem]_  
><em>Nobody asked for life to deal us with these bullshit hands were dealt<em>  
><em>We gotta take these cards ourselves, and flip them, don't expect no help<em>  
><em>Now I could of either just sat on my ass and pissed and moaned<em>  
><em>Or take this situation in which I'm placed, and get up and get my own<em>  
><em>I was never the type of kid to wait by the door and pack his bags<em>  
><em>Or sat on the porch and hoped and pray for a dad to show up who never did<em>  
><em>I just wanted to fit in, in every single place, every school I went<em>  
><em>I dreamed of being that cool kid, even if it meant actin stupid<em>  
><em>And Aunt Edna was told me, keep makin that face it'll get stuck like that<em>  
><em>Meanwhile I'm just standin there holdin my tongue tryna talk like "thissss"<em>  
><em>Till I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole at 8 years old<em>  
><em>I learned my lesson then, cause I wasn't tryin to impress my friends no more<em>  
><em>But I already told you my whole life story, not just based on my description<em>  
><em>Cause where you see it, from where you're sittin, it's probably 110 percent different<em>  
><em>I guess we would have to walk a mile in each others shoes at least<em>  
><em>What size you wear? I wear 10's, let's see if you can fit your feet...<em>

_[Jael]_  
><em>(Chorus)<em>

_Lately I've been hard to reach_  
><em>I've been too long on my own<em>  
><em>Everyone has their private world<em>  
><em>Where they can be alone<em>  
><em>Are you calling me?<em>  
><em>Are you trying to get through?<em>  
><em>Are you reaching out for me?<em>  
><em>I'm reaching out for you...<em>

Jimmy and Eminem started clapping and the camera guy stopped recording, then left.

"That was amazing!" Jimmy said and Eminem agreed.

"Thank you."

"I'll try and post the video online as soon as I can but I have to go now. Please, both of you, come back on the show." We both said we would. "Thank you. It's nice to meet you Jael, have a good night, guys." Jimmy walked out and sighed, turning to my things, thinking that Eminem left as well.

"You okay?" He asked. I jumped a little and turned back towards him.

"Uhh, yea. Just a lot on my mind." He nodded, understanding.

"You have a really good voice, Jael. Maybe one day you wouldn't mind if we made a couple tracks together or something?" I was shocked.

"Thank you, and yes of course. That would be amazing." He smiled.

"Cool. Lemme get your number and I'll give you a call." He said as he pulled his phone out and I gave him my number. "Alright, I'll catch you soon, Jael. I hope those thoughts of yours don't cause you too much stress. Feel better. Goodnight." And he walked out.

I couldn't stop smiling the whole drive home. Once I got there, I told the guys and Caity what happened and they were really happy for me. I grabbed my Marijuana leaf ashtray and went to my room. I changed into shorts and a tank top, then opened the window and lit a cigarette. I pulled my phone out and called Thomas.

"_Hello?"_

"Hey," I said, a smile growing on my face from just hearing his voice. "Are you busy?"

"_No, just reading in my hotel. What's up? Are you okay?"_

"Yea, I'm fine. I just wanted to tell you about my day." I could tell he was smiling. I heard him close his book.

"_How was your day, Jael?"_

"It was really good." We talked for hours, me explaining to him in detail how my day went, and him telling me how his went as well. I was so happy; it was such a strange feeling, but I couldn't stop smiling.

Thomas and I were still on the phone but it was a beautiful silence.

"_Jael,"_

"Hmm?"

"_I miss you."_ My eyes watered.

"I miss you too. If you have to go to bed, I can hang up."

"_No, it's fine. I'm supposed to look crazy tired for the scene we're shooting tomorrow, anyway."_

We talked on the phone all night till he had to get ready for work. He told me he would call me tonight and we hung up. It was five in the morning so the sun was just rising. I took my pack of cigarettes and sat out on the porch, waiting to get ready for Warped.

The crowd was awesome today and we had a signing for the first time. We had a lot more fans than I expected and I smiled, took pictures, and signed whatever they asked. I looked down, signing an autograph for someone without looking at her.

"What's your name?" I asked then looked up, shocked to see who was in front of me.

"Tina." I noticed she was the last one as well. She was burnt from the top of her had to the soles of her feet, and was wearing a Saliva T-shirt. "I honestly just wanted to come here and tell you my story." I nodded, letting her sit in the chair I was sitting in and sat on the table. "I'm gonna be completely honest, I don't know your band. But I heard you for the first time today and I could see, in your eyes, that you're in pain. So I decided to tell you my story about what I went through and how I ended up like this." I nodded, letting her go on.

"When I was younger, I thought if I got married and had kids, I would live happily ever after. I tried to find fulfillment in relationship after relationship and finally I met my husband. We got married and had kids but soon, we started to fight everyday. And that escalated till he was beating me every day. And I tried to fill myself up in the empty places inside me with all kinds of other things and nothing ever worked but soon enough; I didn't want to wake up anymore." I realized I had tears sliding down my cheeks. Evan, Jesse, and Matt were listening to her story as well.

"One night, I was having a mental breakdown and I poured gasoline all over me and set myself on fire. And as I was burning, I didn't think I could be in so much pain till then. It was the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. And for the first time in my life, I prayed. And I said, 'God, if you're real, please take this pain away'. And in that moment, I went into a coma and when I came to, I knew that there was a God. And from listening to your lyrics, I wanted to tell you my story because I want you to believe in God. I want you to be happy."

"I know what I'm waking up for now, and it's to tell my story." I instantly pulled her into a hug and cried. She hugged me back, tighter than ever before. "You're so small. But you're beautiful. And I don't want you to suffer anymore. Would you like to see what I looked like before all this?" I pulled away and nodded, wiping my tears. She took out her wallet and pulled out her driver's license. I took a look and was shocked. She was beautiful.

"I know." She said, reading the expression on my face.

"Do you ever regret what you did?" I asked her. She thought about it for a second then shook her head.

"I mean, I would have loved to live my dream, but this way, I feel like a hero. And helping people recover from their problems is my goal to do in life now."

We talked for about twenty more minutes when she had to go. I gave her a tight hug and thanked her, then she left. The rest of the day was pretty shitty for me. I couldn't get Tina out of my head. I did the Craig Ferguson interview, forcing myself to be happy and as soon as it was over, I drove without thinking.

I heard my phone ringing, seeing that it was Kris.

"Hello?" I said pretty bluntly.

"_Hey. I saw you leaving Warped pretty fast. Is everything okay? I was wondering if we could chill or something."_

"Yea, I'm fine. And sure. I'll pick you up since I'm already driving. You home?"

"_Yea, thank you. See you in a bit."_ We both hung up and I went to pick Kris up.

Once I got him, I didn't really say anything. He knew I had a lot on my mind and didn't bother to ask what was wrong cause he knew I wouldn't say anything. I drove and drove till I found an abandoned train track on a bridge, viewing the ocean. I parked the car and we both stepped out.  
>I instantly took out my cigarettes and lit one, giving one to Kris as well. I slid down the cement wall as I exhaled the smoke with my eyes closed. I heard a flash and knew Kris took a picture.<p>

"You gonna tell me what's wrong?" He asked, continuing to take pictures as I smoked my cigarette. I took in a deep breath and sighed.

"I-" No words came out and I just shook my head. "Hold on." I pulled out my notebook and wrote and wrote. I had lyrics on my mind for hours and needed to let them down. When I was done, I explained to Kris what happened and everything Tina told me.

"Wow." He said when I finished, sitting beside me.

"I know."

"I don't believe in God, but that's some serious shit." I nodded, agreeing. "What did she look like?"

"She was…hard to look at-but beautiful all at the same time." I stood up and sighed, lighting another cigarette. Without even thinking, I jumped onto the cement wall and stood up, looking at the ocean below me.

"Jael?" Kris asked, standing up. "Jael, get down."

He was talking…but I couldn't hear him. I just stood there with my arms raised to my sides and head back with my eyes closed.

"Jael!" He yelled. "Seriously, get down."

"Why?" I asked, finally hearing. I put my hands back down and looked at him.

"Because, I-if you jump, and I witness it, you don't understand how much shit is gonna happen. You're one of my best friends and I need you in my life! So many people do. Listen to Tina. She said a God saved her life, now I'm saving yours. Get down." There were tears sliding down my cheeks. "Please, get down." He raised his arms up and caught me when I jumped back on the ground. He sighed in relief and pulled me into a tight hug.

"You already know my dad shot himself. I can't lose you too. Especially to suicide." I nodded and sighed.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me."

"It's okay."

"Did you happen to bring any beer with you?" He laughed.

"Of course." He went to the car and pulled out a six-pack. We each took one and drank till we got drunk. I started to laugh from the crazy shit going through my head.

"What?" He asked.

"We're the kids with the daddy issues." He laughed too and we each lifted our beer cans.

"Cheers." We said in unison and drank some more. I was leaning my head against his shoulder.

"So how's Mariana?" I asked him, talking about his girlfriend.

"She's good. She went to Mexico to visit family but she'll be back in a couple weeks. I miss her, though. How's Thomas? You guys official, yet?"

"No, not really. I mean, it's kind of hard to explain. He's like everything for me. He's my boyfriend, my best friend, my therapist, and so much more. But we don't need a label to prove that we care about each other. You know?"

"Yea, I get it."

"He's basically there for whatever I need him for, no matter what." He nodded, taking a sip from his beer.

"So how have you been feeling?" He asked me.

"Honestly? Like complete and utter shit. I haven't slept in about a month. I haven't eaten a full meal in about two months…and my mind is going crazy. But this monster inside me is so much stronger than I am. I can't control it. And I'm just getting worse and worse."

"Do you still cut yourself?" Tears filled my eyes.

"Yea. Just where no one can see them. When Thomas was here, I covered it with make up, but now they're revealed all the time. My bruises, my cuts, my burn scars."

"Jael…I don't want you to hurt yourself."

"I know. I don't either. Thomas told me if I ever felt anything; anger, sadness, whatever-to take it out on him. He's made me so happy but if I hurt him like I hurt myself," I shook my head and wiped my tears. "He couldn't take it. No one can." I lit a cigarette and sighed. I rested my head on Kris' lap and cried.

"I'm so sick of this, Kris. I just wish I could be happy. I wish I could sleep. God, I miss sleeping."

"I'm gonna ask you something, and you don't have to answer it if you don't want to, but, what made you this way? I know, you told me about your childhood, but what made you not sleep? What made you not eat?" I took a hit from my cigarette and exhaled.

"For sleeping, I get night terrors. And they scare the hell out of me. Also, when Josh raped me, ever since then, I couldn't sleep. I was so scared he would come in my room again." I wiped the tears that slid down my cheeks, soaking Kris' jeans. "And for eating-since Josh beat me, I was terrified to be anywhere around him. So I would hide in my room all day if I wasn't in school and starve because I didn't want to get beat. And if he slept, I would sneak in the kitchen and take even a slice of bread. Something-anything. That's how scared I was." I looked up at Kris and he was looking straight ahead with tears in his eyes.

"And whenever I went to Jesse or Evan and Matt's place, we would just snack on random things. If I stayed for dinner, I would eat very little cause it was like my stomach got used to not eating. And it just escalated from then."

"Did they ever ask why you wouldn't eat?" He asked me, his voice shaking.

"Of course. They know why, and whenever I even try to eat, my stomach just fills up. So I get full quickly." Kris took in a deep breath and I saw a tear slide down his cheek. "It's okay, Kris. Josh is out of my life now."

"But you're not getting better." I sat up and sat on his lap, my leg on each side of his and faced him.

"I'm okay, Kris. This is my life now-I've embraced it. It took the guys a while to but you will eventually. And I'll get better. And I won't die because of this. I promise."

I wiped his tears and gave him a kiss. It was a friendly kiss, and he knew that. Afterwards, he pulled me into a tight hug and just cradled me in his arms till we eventually fell asleep.

**I know it's been so long since I've posted a new chapter and I apologize.  
>I've been going through hell these past few months but I'm back! Hopefully the few that liked this story are still out there and are ready for more.<br>Review please! Love you all.**


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